Well, that was kind of a waste of time. I just got done seeing my advisor and she really had nothing new to tell me. I suppose since I'd talked it to death with other people, there's really no more to say. She did give me some pointers on what I should put in my petition for a reduced credit load. Good to know.

After I post this, I will be dropping all my classes save one and filing the petition. I'm probably also going to have to go see One Stop Services about payments. I know the first installment is due on Saturday, but my advisor said they'll probably still have me down for 13 credits at least until next week. I sure as shit don't want to be billed for 13 credits. If I don't see them today, I will on Friday.

So it looks like I will be staying in school, but with only one class. Better than nothing, right? Let's just hope the actual payments are close to what I calculated.

Old men with hardware is creepy. I just saw a utilities guy walking. He looked like an old pedophile with a sullen expression and he was carrying a drill. I thought he was going to go on a killing spree the moment I saw him.

I got a response from the Science Museum!

They're holding an Information and Interview session on the 24th of this month which I will be attending. Awesome.

Hmm, apparently my journal is being read by people other then my friends. Weird. So I'm going to be making this friends only, probably by the end of the week (just as soon as I figure out how, haha). Don't worry about commenting and saying you want to be added, everyone on my friends list will no doubt still be on my friends list.

On a different note, I decided not to go to my classes today and it's awkward. It's like a day from this past summer and that's what has me feeling so weird. It's not summer, damnit, I should be in school. Tomorrow, since I'm going to class and seeing my advisor, will make me feel better I hope.

Also, I'm packing. Heartbreak.

A very strange occurrence happened to me yesterday that I thought I'd mention.

I went to bed early Sunday night because I was 1) extremely tired and 2) I had to work early in the morning. Anyway, I woke around midnight covered in blood. This was not a dream. I had a bloody nose and it wasn't a trinkle either. It was gushing. By the time I rushed to a tissue, my entire hand was covered in blood and as was the bottom half of my face. It was dribbling off my chin, for goodness sake.

It would not stop and it flowed fast, too. When one tissue was used up and I had to switch, I had to do so quickly because it would gush out. I blew my nose a couple times, that got it to stop. However, it was incredibly nasty. The blood that came out was dark and mucus like. It was gross.

I'm not sure what happened, but I'm nearly positive I was picking my nose in my sleep. Weird, right? But I do remember a sharp pain from my nostril and my finger precariously close to it when I woke. God, people can do the weirdest shit when they sleep.

All right, we are making progress!

I finally met with the Professor today and he had some ideas for me. He suggested ODL (Online and Distance Learning). That's one course in a whatever week period. That keeps me in the system until such a time as I can take more classes and hopefully, since it's not on-campus, I wouldn't get wrapped up in all those ridiculous fees that make my tuition so expensive.

There's also that damned health care plan. Students taking more than 6 credits a semester must be enrolled in a health plan. Right now, my health plan through the school is costing me over $900. I'm looking at health plans elsewhere (most notably through work considering it's a health care institute), but if I just drop down to one class (3 credits) then there goes the health fee and the reduced credit load will put me at a reasonable tuition rate. I did some calculations and considering the three equal payments plan, it just may be doable. EDIT: I've been reading up more about tuition and fees, and dropping down to less than 6 credits takes care of other stupid fees worth my first born, which makes this plan more than doable. Exciting!

So, there's that. I'll know more on Wednesday when I talk to my advisor. In the meantime, school officially starts tomorrow. I am going to all my classes with the idea to pick a class I want to stay with (I'm afraid it can't be Latin as that is a 5 credit class, damn). EDIT: The more I think about it, the more I want to sleep in tomorrow (I haven't in days and days). Plus, since I'm pretty sure which class I'm going to stick with, going to the others seems masochistic. Maybe I'll just return books tomorrow. God, now that's depressing.

My 3 credit classes are Archaeology of Prehistoric Europe (this is probably going to be the one I choose to stick with and it doesn't start 'til Wednesday, damn), World of Greece, and Death and the Afterlife in the Ancient World.

Greek and Roman Archaeology is my 4 credit class, and I'm afraid that might be stretching it a bit; Latin is, of course, 5 credits. It sucks I can't get to Latin right away, both because I need my language class and because I was really looking forward to it.

The Professor wanted me to stop by during his office hours on Wednesday after my meeting with my advisor. Depending on how that goes, I may or may not be able to. As I said, Archaeology of Prehistoric Europe starts on Wednesday and it's right during his office hours. Since that's the class that will no doubt be my only class for this semester, I'd best not miss it.

Speaking of the Professor, if he weren't British, he'd be gay. As it is, he's so gay, he's British. For instance, he was saying how they dragged him straight into a meeting his first day back without his knitting. How can one go to a meeting and not knit, he asked me. God, I just adore him.

I've pretty much been waiting for this weekend to pass me by, because there wasn't anything to be done on the weekend.

Tomorrow, I will hopefully (finally) be meeting with my British professor. He's been back from England since Friday and we've been like ships passing in the night. He's been very supportive, but our schedules have not been able to mesh together.

Tuesday is the start of classes. I'm planning on going to all of mine, just in case a miracle happens. I'm also hoping to meet up with Kaylee that day. Apparently, she's very savvy with this type of stuff and has all sorts of ideas about working around the financial aid roadblock.

Wednesday, I have a meeting with my counselor. I figure that's the day I will officially know if I truly have to leave the U.

I've also been looking over the tuition billing; what I've learned is that with a reduced credit load (one class basically), and if they don't charge me for health insurance, I might be able to afford school. So my goal for next week is to look for new health plans. I get health insurance through the U for about $900 (I didn't even want to sign up for this, but I couldn't register without having insurance --> ghetto); I'm thinking I can get it through work for cheaper or just plain elsewhere. This doesn't help me immediately, but perhaps it will next semester. It's something to look into.

Two things about the Minnesota State Fair:

1. Even though my state has a lot of hicks, it is still freakin' awesome.

2. There are so many white people.

I asked AJ what I was going to do with my degree and he scoffed at me like I was stupid. He then said in a plain as can be voice that of course I was going to buy a whip and a hat and travel 'round the world getting into all sorts of trouble.

I love my brother.

I find myself feeling very strange.

I spoke with someone this morning about financial aid and apparently I did get accepted for some awards. I could also get subsidized federal loans with very low interest rates. This was the complete opposite of the last time I spoke with a financial aid advisor. He told me they could do nothing for me without copies of my mom's tax information. My head just about exploded. That was my first reaction, my second was dread and disappointment.

Yes, you read that correctly. Believe me, I was as confused as you. I actually had to sit down on the sidewalk (I was wandering around campus this morning) and just think. And think. And think. I couldn't believe it. I had been crying and whining for days about ending my school career at the U and now when it looked like maybe I didn't have to, I was what, disappointed? What the hell?

I eventually got up and went to check my financial aid status online. I qualified for about $1000 in aid (my tuition is nearing $7000) so I would still need to apply for loans. In my panic and confusion, I accepted the awards but not the loans. That hasn't changed. I already owe so much money that I don't want to further it. (To better help you understand, I owe almost $20,000 ---> now imagine how much I will owe by the time I graduate, which would be at least a year and a half.)

I made an appointment with my counselor for Wednesday (the earliest she could see me, unfortunately, what with the utter craziness that is the week before school starting). However, I pretty much know what I'm going to do and I'm actually ok with it.

I am going to withdraw from the U with the intent to return Spring of 2011. In the meantime, I'm going to look into classes at either Normandale again or MetroState (the two my British professor suggested). I will probably only take about one class a semester. I was thinking something in business to broaden my horizons as well as get credit for something not in my major (I still need outside major credits at the U though not that many). I've applied to the Science Museum to volunteer (which will look good on my resume and also give me experience, as well as look good to the U). I've also emailed my British professor if he knew of any other such opportunities I could take up with my newfound free time. (Truly, the professor in England has been more helpful then the people here in Minnesota). Throughout all this, I will be living at home and saving up money. I'm also going to see about starting to repay my student loan so as to keep my debt in interest down. I'd like to pay most it off by the time I'm ready to start at the U again.

This is the plan I'm going with right now. It is, however, subject to change considering the curve balls life likes to throw at people. I will discuss this all more with my counselor on Wednesday, but I feel all right with this. I just hope I'm not forgetting about something or that I'm unaware of something that will totally fuck me up again. (I also hope accepting those rewards will not fuck me up; I just panicked and I can be very impulsive.)

Oh, hey! While I was wandering around campus today, a Mormon came to talk to be. He walked with me a good ten minutes while we discussed our different view points on religion (he was cute too, too bad he's Mormon). During our little discussion, he said something along the lines of getting rewarded for being a good person even though all this shit might happen to me. I busted out laughing. I couldn't stop and he was confused, kinda smiling, waiting for me to let him in on the joke. I eventually managed to tell him he caught me at a very good time and then gave him a very condensed, watered down version of my situation. It was hysterical. I actually ended up giving him my number. SO! The Church of Latter Day Saints just might call me and I just might go and chat with them some more because I actually had a good conversation with this guy. Don't worry, though, I have no intention of converting.

UPDATE: Accepting those awards did not fuck me up. All I have to do is drop all my Fall classes and it's a wash.

Well, one thing down. I told Montana I had to move out. God, I felt so terrible and she was just smiling those kind of smiles where shit happens, nothing to do for it, so what do you say? She's going on Craig's List to find a roommate and I hope she succeeds for her sake. I hope she succeeds fast for mine.

Tomorrow, I go to talk to a counselor. Tomorrow, I also call my car insurance company and complain. Tomorrow, I need to look into transferring the electric and gas bills into Montana's name. Man, there's still a huge bill on the gas one. The payment plan for it is $55 a month plus the usual gas usage. I'll have to call the company and figure out how much we (as in me and Katie Mae) still owe. I have a vague idea, but I need to be sure. Then I'll write the amount down and send Montana $55 or more each month until it's paid off.

What a freaking nightmare.

Well. Well, this is absolutely fan-freaking-tastic. Of course once I feel like I've made progress to reorder my now fucked up life, something else comes along to throw a fucking elephant in my plans.

Apparantly, my car insurance company decided to raise my insurance. Drastically. It's close to $1000 if I split it (half now, half in two months) and about $850 if I chose to pay all at once. FML. There has got to be cheaper insurance out there, I'm not a bad driver, damnit, and when I have been in an accident, it wasn't my fault.

So, on top of everything else, I have to call my insurance company and see if I can't reduce my plan. I will also be shopping around for a better plan with a better company.

On the bright side, I went to the bank today. I needed to transfer my investment acount strictly to my name (my mom was still on it) and I ended up making changes to my bank account that will ultimately save me about $100 a year. Yay for something! Once some of this craziness dies down, like once I'm back at my mom's, I'm going to go back and make further changes that will hopefully benefit me for years to come.

These changes, I think, are good for me. Even the school financial crisis has produced positive changes. I've been forced to reevaluate certain aspects in my life and the decisions I'm making in the days to come will either make me or break me. And what doesn't kill you and all the rot.

My panic, while still present, has mellowed a little. That isn't to say I don't hate myself. It seems the only time I can accomplish things is if something lights a fire under my ass. I think I could have avoided a lot of this hardship if I hadn't left certain things to the last minute. My procrastination is horrendously dangerous and I hate it yet I can't seem to change no matter how much I try.

No matter. Focus on what I can change, damnit.

I got an email from my advisor in which she informed she is on leave this year and I can talk to the professor who talk over the department who is in England.

Um, facepalm? If, ya know, this were an anime series.

Well, apparently she sent him the email I sent her (God, everyone's so helpful ---> except the fucking financial aid office) and he emailed me. He explained his office hours to me (starting NEXT WEEK) so I sent him an email with pure somewhat coherent ramblings (I know, oxymoron, whatev). I then apologized to him for said ramblings and for laying all that baggage on him when he's at home in England with his family. I also asked if he could do anything or if there was someone else who is more equipped to handle my utter craziness. Basically, I just want to talk to someone ASAP and I'm having trouble figuring out who, exactly, to talk to.

What I am going to do, however, is drop all my classes but one and file a reduced credit load petition. Hopefully, this will drop my tuition down to something reasonable. I'm hoping with only one class and I can get another job and volunteer at the Science Museum.

Another option I've been looking into is leave the U completely. CALM DOWN. I want to think about my future, and I can't do that with worrying about school. I've seriously been considering putting my archaeology ambitions on pause. I've felt for awhile that I was a fool to even enter into this (what the hell am I going to do once school is officially done? There is no job market and no money in archaeology! I love it, but practically speaking, how can I have a stable future when archaeology is so not stable?)

Enter the Science Museum. I've contemplated working there and at the MIA for awhile. I think it would be great as well as get me into an anthropological job. MIA is not hiring. A few days ago (before all this happened actually), I applied to the Science Museum. I don't expect to get the job, but I had to try. I will definitely volunteer there, though. I figure that's a good way to eventually worm my way into a job there (plus they have a good anthropology department and I so want experience in anything to do with it).

So, to summarize, if I were to leave school, I would definitely look at working/volunteering anywhere to do with my chosen field so I am at least doing something in the efforts of bettering my future. Also, while I break with the U, I don't want to break from school completely. I've been looking at technical/community/online colleges. I figure I can take at least one class to keep in the system and that can hopefully transfer to the U when I eventually go back.

I've also wondered if I could drop just this semester and have one class next semester. Then take another semester off, before going back full time. By that time, it would be Spring 2011 and I would be 24 and be able to file a FAFSA independently. During the U breaks, I'd look into cheaper classes and transfer them (don't know if that's possible, technically two schools at the same time).

ALSO, yes there's more, I am going to move back home. The more I thought about it, the more it was a good idea. I seriously need to save money (even with the raise I'm due, it doesn't make up for the cut hours). I feel just awful for my new roommate who just moved in two days ago, but I need to do what's right by me. I've already paid this months rent, and I'm going to pay October so as to give Montana time to either find a new roommate or a new place, but come November, I'll be back in EP. God, I'll be back there. Let's hope I don't slit my throat.

There is one more option available to me. I have an investment worth up to $4200. This can take care of one reduced credit semester at the U or it can take care of small community classes until I can get financial aid. Either way or some way I haven't thought of, I need to be very careful where I spend this money. I just wish I had been more thoughtful of the future way back when I was in High School.

Oh, yeah, and my mom and I are going to the State Fair on Saturday (completely free, including rides, thank god). We are going to bond because I'm feeling resentful and mom's feeling guilty (good!) and we need to talk. I'll let you know if she survives.

The crying, panic, and utter depression about school has set in again.

This entire summer, I've been worrying about what the hell I was going to do because I've applied for student loans but I can't go forward without a cosigner. Well, there is absolutely no one in my family that could cosign because they all have terrible credit.

I've applied for FAFSA but can't complete it because my mom doesn't do taxes. The IRS has been taking money out of her checks for the past couple years for it, and she says she has slowly been working on filing the taxes for the past ten years that she hasn't done but she's doing each year individually and hasn't gotten around to 2008 yet.

I've talked to the Financial Aid office about this, but there's nothing they can do for me with her nonexistent tax forms.

I sent an email to my advisor to discuss my options and I'm going to set up an appointment.

I left my mom a message on her cell phone with me crying and pretty much blaming her for things and telling her I don't know what to do.

Because I don't. School starts next Tuesday and I don't know how I can pay for it.

Even if I do move back home to save money, well that's only so much and not enough to pay for even one semester at school. I'm thinking I really do have to leave the U and find a cheaper, less fantastic school to even complete my BA.

God, this is horrible. When I get asked where I see myself in five, ten years, I always answer broke and unemployed and depressed. Because right now, I don't see how I'm headed for anything else.

UPDATE: After some thought, a reduced credit load is probably better for me. Something like one class a semester (it will take forever to graduate but at least I may be able to afford it). I'll know more after I talk to my advisor, but I am keeping all options open.

Well, I helped my new roommate move in today. I've been anticipating this day all summer, mostly with excitement (strictly for the chance to meet new people, and have a change in my life). Now that she's here, though, I'm beginning to realize how huge an adjustment this will be. Obviously, things were going to be different, but moving all her stuff in was an awaking experience. It's been just me for months, even before KM moved out (as she was never around to begin with), and so it's all been my stuff. Well, Montana has loads of stuff. I've never seen the cupboards so full (she cooks!).

I've still got stirrings of excitement with mild trepidation. I really hope this works out for both of us. I've been telling my friends all summer that I think she'd hate me a little (considering how anal and OCDish I can be --> coasters on the coffee table, damnit!). I'm planning on asking her if she wants to go out with me and a couple friends Wednesday night. Have alcohol break the awkwardness, haha.

We'll see.

FYI, my momentary panic and depression has abated somewhat, I'm going to stay in school. Probably.

I'm thinking of dropping out of school until I'm 24 where I can then get federal grants and not have to worry about massive debt hanging over my head.

Thoughts?

I got to my car after work today and exclaimed, "What the shit!" There were at least ten bees on my car. No joke and no exaggeration. I counted.

I've noticed my car being sticky lately and I have no clue what it could be (I honestly thought someone had dumped buckets of pop on my car but that's really paranoid even for me). Eh, they'll wash it when I go in for an oil change on Monday.

It's just weird, ya know?

Last night I went down a dark alley after saying goodbye to friends. I knew I shouldn't, cuz it was dark and there are creepers. I tried to go back but the road I had just walked down had turned into a a steep hill and I couldn't climb up again. I started walking down the alley and got out my flashlight. It shined on about four men who laughed at me. I tried to run away but they caught me and I screamed.

I woke up before I was actually raped, but that was where the dream was going. What's with that? I can't decide if this is better than the nightmares about Sylvester being dug up and chewed on by scavengers, leaving a skeleton mess in my backyard, or the nightmares about Sylvester crawling out of his grave and laying his dead carcass/skeleton on me when I'm sleeping, or the nightmares about Sylvester asking me why I left him in the backyard and didn't he deserve better?

Yeah, I think I'll take the rape dreams.

I just got a message from my grandma. She said Sylvester's brother, Morgan, has been losing weight like crazy, too. She's taking him to the vet on Saturday.

The fucking vet! Why didn't I think about the vet for Bubba? I could tell he wasn't doing well, I even told my friends that I think he was dying, so why didn't I make sure a professional looked him over. Maybe there was something they could do.

And fuck! I was at the house Friday and didn't see Sylvester. Just made sure they had food and water, and cleaned the cat boxes and then I left. I didn't go back until Sunday when I again didn't see Sylvester! I found him locked in AJ's room. Locked in AJ's room! Who the fuck knows how long he was in there! How the hell did he get in there anyway!? And when I took him upstairs, he wouldn't eat. I tried to get him to eat but he just nibbled. Then I left again! I left him again even though he had been locked in a room for who knows how long and he wouldn't eat and he looked awful but I fucking left anyway.

Jesus, I killed Sylvester. He was all alone when he died. Just with that whiny cat Piper and none of his humans. Why didn't I check on him more? Why didn't I cuddle with him more? I wish I had been able to take him with me when I moved out. He wouldn't have been alone. Ah, fucking Christ, there I go again.

Look at my userpic. I will never see that adorable face again.

I was expecting this to happen. Sylvester had been looking pretty awful these past few months. Suddenly the big kitty wasn't so big anymore. He lost a lot of weight and was looking just plain ill. So I was expecting this. What I wasn't expecting was to be the one to find him. I wasn't expecting to be the one to bury the poor thing.

But I did.

Sylvester was with my family for 14 years. We got him when I was eight. It will be be so odd to go to the EP house and not see him.

Whitney came over and said a prayer. We got flowers, big orange ones, and planted them on his grave. I told him to be as good to the people in his next life, as he had been to us.

I gonna miss my Bubba.